


Mysterious Ways

by rowan_e



Category: Dan Howell - Fandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil
Genre: Accidents, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anger, Angst, Angst and Feels, Bisexuality, Bittersweet, Bittersweet Ending, Break Up, Broken Promises, Cheating, Confusion, Depressing, Disappointment, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Heartache, Heartbreak, Help, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Sex, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Inner Dialogue, Interesting, Jealousy, Language of Flowers, Loss, Love Confessions, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pain, Platonic Soulmates, Plot Twists, Promise, References to Depression, Rejection, Romantic Soulmates, Sad, Sad Ending, Sad Phil Lester, Secrets, Soulmates, Strangers to Friends, Suicide, Suicide Notes, This is gonna be good, True Love, but only later on, dont quote me tho
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-02-27 17:17:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13252908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rowan_e/pseuds/rowan_e
Summary: “We’re in this together. We’re a team, Mia. I love you, you love me”Indirect vows, and though it wasn’t in a church on some Saturday afternoon in June with white dresses and black suits, he still meant every word and intended on keeping those vows.Phil had never questioned anything he’d ever done in his life, so why now?“Do you really think two people who aren’t soulmates could still be meant for each other?” Phil asks, and Dan replies. “I don’t know, I guess as humans we just have to trust when it feels right.” he says but looks uncertain.Phil never meant for things to get so messy, but now he's faced with a choice. What he doesn't know is the choice isn't his to make, not in the slightest.





	1. The Other Side of Fate

**Author's Note:**

> Hahaha ayyyye. Yeah i know i haven't updated my other ff still, it's just super hard to write i guess but i'll get over it soon. This is a sorta interesting story i had an idea for, so just stick with me here i promise it's gon be good.
> 
> I don't have a playlist for this yet woops, i'll get one later. I haven't gotten a chance to say but thanks for all the nice comments on my other ff's, it's super sweet and i promise i'll get to finishing PL:AS later, it shouldn't be too long. 
> 
> Anyways enjoy this! It's an interesting one lmao. Sorry if it's shit.

**The Other Side of Fate**

 

Waking up was the best part of Phil’s day. It was always the same, warm and right next to the love of his life. Every morning would go the exact same way, and Phil loved it. It was their classic routine, he’d get up the same time as her and roll over to face her.

 

He’d look into her green eyes surrounded by her constellation of freckles and smile, break out into laughter even. She’d ask why, and he’d always say something along the lines of this.

 

“I just can’t believe I'm with someone as amazing and beautiful as you”

 

She’d smile at that, god her smile. They’d have a laugh, and then finally get up and go on with their day.

 

He and Mia had met the first day of their freshman year at Jefferson High School, in the midst of getting lost on the way to their classes. It was cliche, but the good kind. They’d fallen in love right then and there and that was it.

 

Phil looked at her making breakfast and couldn’t help but smile cause of just how lucky he was, then continued putting together his own food as well. His mind wandered to the dream he’d had the previous sleep and laughed softly to himself. It was a weird dream where he’d been with the characters from the anime Death Note and had done some serious crime solving with them. It was one of the many odd types of dreams Phil had, and every time they came to mind he’d have the same want of wanting to tell Mia seeing as she was his everything and he wanted to tell her everything, but he couldn’t.

 

Okay so maybe ‘They’d fallen in love right then and there’ but that surely wasn’t ‘It’. They lived in a mysterious world, that’s for sure, and the most interesting part about it was someone's dream. It wasn’t the most polite thing to talk about in public and if you did it’d come off as rude and desperate. Why? Well, soulmates shared dreams in this world. Announcing your dream to the world could be an easy way of finding your soulmate, but the world’s expectations kept soulmates meeting stories a lot classier and perfected, rather than someone blurting in the streets the weird dream they’ve had in hopes to find their one true love. 

 

And that’s where the problem with Mia and Phil came. The only problem in their otherwise problemless and happy relationship. They’d met in high school, and the school or any school for that matter didn’t exactly always allow openly talking of dreams because they wanted the focus to be on work and work only, so they never knew going into it. It was common for two people to start dating before revealing their dreams and finding out if they were soulmates or not, it gave things a little buffer emotion wise, so when Mia and Phil started dating they decided mutually that they’d put off the whole ‘figuring out if we’re meant for each other’ thing. Then something funny happened, they fell in love. 

 

There was anxiety that started forming around the idea of them being soulmates or not, it felt like so but what if they weren’t? They were each other's entire worlds, how could they risk it all just to find out if the world wants them together or not, so instead they stayed together in a blissful yet considered sinful ignorance. 

 

“We have that party Thomas invited us to” Mia reminds Phil as she grabs her paints from the windowsill and heads over to the balcony to continue painting the thing she’d been working on the day before. Mia’s passion was art, Phil’s was writing. It was their dream to write books with art in them, not exactly kids books but a beautiful combination of picture books and fantasy with a hint of love. Phil gave Mia a sigh, standing with his cute panda coffee mug he’d gotten at the zoo when they’d gone for their 2 year anniversary in their Junior year of high school.

 

“Do we have to go to it?” Phil asks reluctantly making mental notes to iron his favorite dress shirt knowing this was more of a fancy event rather then the common party if their good friend Thomas was inviting us or god forbid hosting. Mia simply laughs at his reaction, used to him being so reluctant to leave the house cause she was exactly the same way.

 

“It’s a fundraiser, plus I already told him we’d be there and I don’t want to be rude” she said, before tossing her brush aside that’d been in her hand and inside just using 3 fingers to paint over a part in a quick fashion, liking the way it looked better.

 

“Well, we wouldn’t want to be rude” Phil teased before walking off to go get some clothes ready for the two of them. They usually went to Thomas’s fundraisers, the guy was classy and wealthy but he was always fighting for a good cause. One could wonder how Phil and Mia had the kind of money they did to afford the beautiful house they lived in since they lived in what the world called sin for not being sure about the soulmate thing. They didn’t voice it, not many people bothered to ask since Phil and Mia were so alike and in love, they just assumed they were soulmates from the start and hell maybe they were, but they didn’t exactly take risks and when they did, they were simple things like fun vacations involving skydiving. Thomas knew though, as far as Phil knew Thomas’s party was to help get donations for an underground group working to get non-soulmate marriage legalized. It was illegal everywhere at the moment, but their state was a particularly liberal one, if it’d happen anywhere it’d be here.

 

It was still an uphill battle, and while Phil didn’t believe him and Mia weren’t soulmates, he still believed people should be able to marry anyone they wanted to. Law's on it were tight, insane even. For two couples to even get married legally they’d have to register at dReam which was a huge company that’d keep you for 2 nights in a row and record your dreams, and you could only get approved to be married if they were identical. It was insane and Phil didn’t see anything wrong with people marrying people that weren’t their soulmates. 

 

Phil opened his closet grabbing his favorite outfit, and nice dark red button up shirt and black pants, it always looked really nice at parties and whatnot. He grabbed it then set it up on the ironing board so he could iron out the wrinkles. After all the fixing up he put them on and looked in the mirror, smiling at what he saw as he heard the shower start in the downstairs bathroom, assuming Mia must be showering to get ready for the event. This was gonna be fun, well he assumed. He went back into the bedroom thinking he probably needed to charge his phone before his eyes landed on a red journal he always ended up staring at and wondering what would happen if he opened it.

 

It was Mia’s dream journal, most people kept one but it was a really private thing unless you were a couple of course but their situation was just a little different. All it’d take was one look inside, one look to decide all of their fate. He was sure they were meant for each other, so what could one look inside really change? It’d just mean a for sure future where they could get married and have kids. He bit his lip and continued to stare at it.

 

“Phil, you okay?” Mia asked. Phil spun around to see her and smiled back.

 

“Yeah no I'm fine,” he said as she dried her hair off with a towel then tossed it aside. They continued getting ready until the time of the party neared. 

 

“Is there something I'm missing? I feel like I'm missing something?” Mia asked and Phil just laughed softly.

 

“It’s just a party, I doubt you forgot something,” he said and Mia simply smiled. 

 

“You’re right. It’s about time, we should probably get going” she said grabbing her small classy looking purse and walking downstairs along with Phil. They walked out of the house together, getting in their car and driving off to the party, the drive there is silent but a comfortable silence.

 

They pulled up to a big house with an even bigger garden in the back where the party was going down. They got out of the car and walked towards the gate where a doorman waved them over towards the gate and let them in. The garden was beautiful, it was big and spacey and all set up for a party. There was a nice small stage off to the side of the garden, flowers displayed on the left and people making their way in slowly to fill the yard, some going to the action section to bid on various things and others going to donate for the organization. Phil’s eyes skimmed the room looking around for Thomas but before he could find him, he was found. 

 

“Phil, Mia! So glad you guys could make it” Thomas said walking over to them and giving them both a nice hug. 

 

“Wouldn’t miss it, it’s a really nice party everything is put together so great,” Mia said smiling as Thomas’s eyes lit up. “Oh, there is someone I've been dying for you two to meet,” he said leading Phil and Mia deeper into the crowd of people in the beautiful garden, towards a small group of men wearing button-up shirts talking amongst themselves.

 

“This is Dan, he’s the one who started Destiny which is the organization we’re here to support” Thomas explained as Dan turned around and smiled at the lovely couple in front of him, holding his hand out to shake Phil’s.

 

“Pleasure to meet you, the work you're doing is fantastic, to say the least,” Phil said shaking the young man's hand as his smile brightened.

 

“Pleasures all mine. We just all want a chance to find love, and we believe Destiny could tell us that rather than some dream connection.” Dan said and both Phil and Mia smiled in respect as Dan went on explaining what Destiny worked towards before they were cut short by someone announcing drinks would be now served inside the big house.

 

“I’m gonna go grab something to drink, you want something?” Mia asked and Phil nodded.

 

“Sure, whatever you’re having,” he said then kissed her before she left. Dan smiled at him then looked down as if he were in thought. Phil looked at him curiously.

 

“What’s funny?” he asked, just honestly wanting to know. 

 

“I was just thinking about the dream I had the night before. It was pretty weird” Dan said, leaving Phil a little pale feeling. It wasn’t common strangers talked about their dreams to each other, but even being in an in-depth relationship it wasn’t common he talked about his dreams with anyone at all. Dan could tell Phil looked a little shocked which made him wonder but didn’t bother mentioning anything about it.

 

“Oh yeah? Mine too kinda” he said. He’d planned on asking Dan what the dream was about cause that seemed like the only respectable response to something like that, but again it was a sort of rude thing to ask, then again he doubted the head of the underground organization trying to legalize non-soulmate marriage cared too much about sharing his dream with someone.

 

“It was just such a weird thing, kinda funny too. I was with characters from this show called-” Dan started but got caught off when Mia came up and started talking, unaware they were about to share dream stories.

 

“Here, for you,” she said handing Phil the drink she’d gotten for him. He took it, but his interests weren’t exactly on the drink as he was sort of in shock at how easily Dan was about to tell his dream, and Phil would be lying if he said he wasn’t interested in what Dan was dreaming about but he surely wasn’t gonna have Dan tell them when Mia was around, it’d hurt her knowing Phil had interest in dreams at all. Phil and Dan made eye contact and in that moment had a silent agreement that Mia being back meant no talking about dreams, something about Dan being able to understand Phil like that made him feel good and oddly confident.

 

The party goes on to be mostly the same, they walk away from Dan and continue meeting people Thomas wanted them to meet, eventually pulling Mia away from Phil during the party which was something he never enjoyed happening. Phil wasn’t the best at being social, especially without Mia around so he mostly stayed around the food area to avoid looking awkward. He turned around to see Dan walking up to him, putting the food back on his plate before being faced with him.

 

“So have you always supported this kinda thing?” Dan asked, getting one of the little nice plates and putting some of the food they had laid out on it to snack on.

 

“I’d have to say.. ever since I really knew it was a thing. I grew up in a sort of sheltered home so I wasn’t aware of things like that I guess” he said honestly, putting a hand on his neck and setting his plate aside. Dan nodded understandingly and Phil continued.

 

“I didn’t really know it was a thing until I met Mia,” he said and Dan tilted his head slightly.

 

“Are you..?” he asked, not bothering to finish the question because it was pretty obvious what he was asking Phil. Phil just shook his head.

 

“No.. well we don’t know. We just chose to never find out. We dated in high school but planned on finding out if we were soulmates. Thing is we fell in love before we could ever get to that part so we just didn’t bother” Phil explained as Dan listened thoughtfully. This was a thing that wasn’t super uncommon, people thought it was a way of cheating out being looked at as scum of the earth. 

 

The only problem was Dan knew more then he was leading on. Dan thought silently for a moment before smiling and nodding.

 

“I think it’s a perfect idea,” he said to Phil, honestly believing it was probably best for their relationship. He wanted to be there for these people, but it was hard when he had a few secrets. This was his whole life’s work, running Destiny and fighting for these people, but this wasn’t always him. Everyone has a secret, and this was something he couldn’t tell any of the people that looked up to him like this. Phil gave him a warm smile and suddenly Dan didn’t feel so bad about the things he’d done and the things he knew.

 

“You really think so? Well.. our parents weren’t exactly supportive. We got cut off and thrown out by pretty much everyone in our family, but we had each other so it didn’t really matter.” Phil said wistfully, thinking about their past despite it having a negative aura because of the family distancing themselves from him just because they decided to stay ignorant of the fact that they might be soulmates. Dan nods in response.

 

“Yeah, I think it’s a pretty great thing you two did. It gives couples out there who aren’t soulmates hope that people like you are on their side, the common person showing that being soulmates with someone doesn’t matter, all that matters is that you’re in love” he said and Phil smiled, looking into his eyes thinking about it.

 

“Yeah,” Phil said, the conversation slowing to a stop and now there being a comfortable silence between the two. Phil thought a lot about the choices he’d made and wonder if it was a good thing, he liked Dan and the way Dan thought about things surely restored his faith in everything he had with Mia to be real, but still, something about it made his mind wander to all the things he could have.

 

Mia walked up from behind him and hugged him.

 

“Hey, here’s another drink,” she said smiling and he grinned. He couldn’t help but noticed a weird look in Dan’s eyes, almost like pity but he couldn’t tell.

 

“Anymore then this and I'm gonna get drunk” Phil joked, taking the drink and sipping on it though he knew the drink wasn’t gonna last long.

 

The party ended up being more intense in his life then he thought, and life pretty much went on after that but all Phil knew is when he woke up he was in his bed with no one by his side, a painful headache, and a slight wonder if he’d ever see the brown-headed man ever again.

 

There was only one problem, he didn’t remember anything last night after his 4th drink.


	2. Bathing In Ignorance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil makes a friend, his friends called guilt, they're so close yet they've never met before.
> 
> Who knows if they'll ever meet.
> 
> But they're best friends forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm posting this right after posting the first chapter lmao. idc about waiting i guess and i'd already written this soooo yknow.
> 
> No playlist for this i think, it's just not a super out of body stoned to the bone experience, reading this, but i promise it'll fuck you up still.
> 
> Most my of writing is guaranteed to fuck you up. If your not satisfied with your fanfic we'll give you a full refund within 72 hours of the purchase and let you keep the free stoned to the bone experience, no extra charge.
> 
> I dunno what i'm talking about. just ignore me and read lmao enjoy.

**Bathing in Ignorance**

 

Waking up was the best part of Phil’s day, usually. This morning, however, was much different.

It was usually warm and right next to the love of his life, but today it was cold and painful and well.. he was all alone. He couldn’t help but get a little worried at that, and sure it was just probably Mia getting up early since the hot streams of sun shining through the window burned past 12:00 in his mind rather than something in the morning, but still he’s noticing something in the air, something distant and hurting.

 

He sat up on his bed and held his head, wincing at his horrible headache assuming it was a hangover from the night before cause man things must’ve gotten out of hand the night before. Something went hot in his stomach with guilt, suddenly worrying he’d done something bad at the party the night before, something that caused Mia to not sleep in the same bed with him.

 

He stood up, getting out of the room as fast as he could without making his headache even worse and sighed in relief smelling the warm smell of pancakes and bacon flow through the house, knowing Mia must’ve been making breakfast. He went downstairs and glanced over at Mia in the kitchen, her cute little breakfast apron on and light red hair in a high messy ponytail that made her look like she did the day they met. He was gonna say something but she beat him to it.

 

“Hey baby,” she said turning around noticing him shuffling back there and smiled at him, getting a pancake off the pan and putting it on a stack, drizzling some syrup all over the stack then handing it over to Phil with a smile, kissing him lovingly. 

 

“You made me pancakes?” he asked feeling touched, knowing it wasn’t morning at all but pancakes were his known hangover fixer.

 

“Of course, last night was pretty rough on you,” she said hesitating a little like she was refraining from saying something. Phil didn’t ask, he assumed she was probably secretly angered by the fact he’d drank last night since it didn’t usually sit with her. He sat at the table and started on the pancakes then smiled brightly. 

 

“Wow these are amazing,” he said honestly, looking at her and seeing her smile.

 

“That’s the only way I make ‘em. Oh by the way” she said then stepped off to the side in the kitchen and grabbed something then came back and showed a pair of men’s shoes that surely weren’t his. 

 

“Their Ted’s. He left them here last weekend when Andy came to visit and spent the night. Could you run by and drop them off?” she asked. Ted and Andy were their friends from high school, so even though Phil totally wasn’t in the mood to hang out with or even really see anyone he didn’t mind seeing them cause they were as close to family as it got besides Mia. 

 

“Oh yeah, no problem at all,” Phil said smiling, continuing to finish his pancakes before even thinking about going to his friend's house.

 

-

 

The traffic on the way to his friend Ted’s was horrible, and the headache mixed with the slight stomach pains from the huge stack of pancakes weren’t exactly helping. He didn’t mind doing this, he just didn’t know why it mattered now. Ted surely hadn’t asked for them back, he would’ve asked Phil directly so it must’ve been Mia who initiated it, and it wasn’t really like her to do that. In fact, she, like Phil, avoided leaving the house at all costs so for her to find a reason to get Phil out of the house made him wonder if it was really possible that she was mad at him. He made a mental note to ask her about it when he got home. 

 

He got out of the car when he arrived then went inside the apartment complex after being buzzed in. He knocked on the door and smiled, hugging Ted when seeing him. 

 

“Hey, I have the shoes you left at our place,” Phil said and Ted nodded a bit, taking them.

 

“Oh right, I forgot I even left these at your place” he admitted with a small laugh then thought. 

 

“Well I'd ask you in but I actually have a lunch date with Andy,” he said making Phil tilt his head.

 

“Lunch date? That sounds a little romantic” Phil teased but Ted remained silent at the accusation making Phil widen his eyes.

 

“Is it?” he asked and Ted shied away slightly.

 

“Maybe? Look we haven’t decided to tell anyone but we.. sorta found out we were soulmates” Ted said making Phil freak a little.

 

“What! Are you serious? You and Andy?” he asked, his mind racing thinking of his old high school friends Ted and Andy being together.

 

“Yeah, we had no idea. I guess we never even considered that we might be soulmates. I always felt incredibly connected towards him and we never exactly thought we’d find someone besides each other but there was never really a conversation brought up about any of it in general” he said shrugging, thinking about Andy. Phil had to admit he was a little envious but in a weird way also impressed. Even if he hadn’t realized it was romantic or not, Ted had to know he loved Andy, and yet still they risked it all and went out of their way to find out if they were soulmates or not. That took guts surely.

 

“That’s pretty incredible,” Phil said smiling at him. All it took was a little leap of faith, and he clearly supported non-soulmate relationships himself so why did he even care about knowing if he was Mia’s soul mate or not. He tried to act like he wasn’t really gonna upset him but he knows at some point it really would. 

 

“Well I'll head out, let you get ready for your little date,” Phil said with a grin, winking at him making Ted roll his eyes and laugh a small bit.

 

“Oh please. I mean, I'd hate to sugar coat it but I'm actually pretty nervous. Me and Andy.. we’ve never really tried this before I guess we’ve just always appreciated each other and our friendship the way it is, but now that I really think about it I have a feeling that us being together will fit” he said smiling. When people talked like this it was hard to imagine the universe was wrong about soulmates, but maybe the universe just didn’t always get it right.

 

“Well, you’ll do great. Text me after and tell me how it goes, I'd love to know,” he said then backed up a little initiating that he was about to leave. He gave a little wave as well and the two said goodbye and Phil left Ted’s doorway. He walked through the apartment complex hallway with his eyes on the ground, staring at his shoes every now and then. He wasn’t gonna lie, he was a little bit nervous about going back home to Mia. He wasn’t even sure why. She didn’t show any real signs of being mad and maybe she wasn’t but that didn’t make him any less nervous.

 

Ted and Andy had known each other forever, longer than Phil and Mia and yet they still risked it all. He knew it was stupid, comparing his relationship to somebody else's, but he couldn’t help himself. If anyone should have something in common with them as a relationship it should be his and Mia’s two other best friends from high school. He racked his brain, how had they done that so easily? They obviously care about each other, maybe they’re confident it wouldn’t change anything. Is that what makes them different from him and Mia? Was he scared that knowing they weren’t or even were soulmates would change something?

 

Phil was so lost in thought he didn’t notice the open door he walked right into on the way down the hallway, making him stumble back and wince in the process, mumbling a soft ‘ow’ as well. He heard some rustling then saw the last person he expected to see at this apartment complex on a Sunday afternoon.

 

“Oh my god I'm so sorry- Phil?” Dan asked, standing with arms full of papers that looked like documents and also trying to keep the door opened that automatically swung shut when he didn’t keep it open with his entire body, no wonder the impact was painful.

 

“Hey Dan, what uhm.. what are you doing here?” Phil asked then immediately felt stupid for asking right after cause it was very obvious he either lived there or was staying at a friends house he was very comfortable with.

 

“I live here,” Dan said with a charming smile, something Phil assumed to hear but nodded with a smile as if it was information he didn’t expect. Then his manners kicked in.

 

“Here lemme help you with that” Phil said grabbing the door and pulling it all the way open for Dan to go in without almost falling which it looked like he was a very light blow away from doing so. Dan smiled and mumbled a small ‘thanks’ before walking in then holding the door open still for Phil to come in.

 

“Come in, I can make you some tea? Coffee?” he asked, setting the pile of papers on his couch while keeping the door open.

 

“Coffee please, and thanks,” Phil said walking in then letting the pest of a door close behind them, being completely enclosed in his apartment now. It smelled like Dan, and suddenly Phil felt really creepy knowing what Dan smelled of when he practically barely knew him, but he had a feeling that was all about to change. 

 

Dan gave a little nod then went over to the kitchen and started making him some coffee, Phil could already tell from across the room that Dan was making it the way he liked, points for him.

 

“So what’s with all the tree corpses?” Phil joked, referring to the pile of seemingly pointless paper, then again he didn’t know what it was for.

 

“Oh, that? It’s just some stuff I have to fill out for Destiny. It’s hard work but completely worth it” he said confidently leaving Phil curious. He had a lot of questions, but he didn’t want to push Dan since he barely knew him, but still...

 

“What got you into working at Destiny, or sorry running Destiny? It’s a big gig, and you clearly had to have a big reason to have such a drive” Phil stated as Dan came over with two mugs with steam coming out, Phil taking one from Dan’s hands as they both took a seat on the couches Dan had.

 

“A lot of reasons I guess. Some more important than other, either way, it’s pretty much the most important thing in my life” Dan said honestly. It was obvious Dan wasn’t opening up about it completely, but he’d already asked that much he wasn’t gonna push it, so he just nodded understandingly.

 

“I felt a little hypocritical being there” Phil admitted making Dan knit his eyebrows in confusion.

 

“Why so?” He asked, bring the mug up to take a sip of his, what Phil assumed, still scalding hot drink.

 

“Well because of me and Mia. Sure I support non-soulmate marriages, but it’s hard to claim I do when I and Mia go so far out of our ways to find out if we’re even soulmates or not,” he said, taking a sip of his drink as well.

 

“What does that have to do with you supporting non-soulmate relationships?” Dan asked.

 

“Well if I supported it 100% I'd risk it all and find out, and I'd be with Mia despite her not being my soulmate. It’s sort of hypocritical saying I support it when in a way she and I are going so far out of our way to avoid being an outsider” Phil blurted all out at once feeling like he was getting a lot off his chest, looking pretty upset while saying so.

 

“Woah. I mean, I doubt people care that much but it’s clearly getting to you, not the fear of being hypocritical but... Things with your girlfriend” Dan said carefully making Phil sigh.

 

“Sorry, I went a little crazy and personal there. It’s my problems I shouldn’t dump them on someone I don’t really know.” Phil said sighing and staring down at his coffee thoughtfully wishing it had all the answers.

 

“No I get it, sometimes venting to someone that’s like a stranger is nice, but I don’t want to be strangers like that. I like talking to you, I like the way you see life. Instead of blurting relationship problems out to me because I'm a stranger, do it cause I'm a friend that cares” he said with a big smile, leaving Phil a little speechless. 

 

“Well then you’re just basically my therapist,” Phil said with a hint of playful but mostly being serious about it. Dan thought for a moment before answering.

 

“Good point. If I want to be friends things can’t be one way” he said then took a deep breath and suddenly Phil didn’t know what he was getting into here.

 

“I have a reason for starting Destiny and... For fighting so hard for non-soulmate marriage. I uh... I had this friend when I was younger. Jack. He was the oddest human our universe had seen, but that was the best part about him. Me and him we pretty much connected in every way and level possible. We met when I was just out of college and working at.. some shit company” he said feeling like he was skimming on some details.

 

“I’d been raised to think that the world only worked one way. You dated a few people, you respected life then found your soulmate and the amazing happiness that followed, had a few kids and loved your life forever. Jack showed me that life doesn’t have to be like that, hell he showed me that I didn’t want that life, and he showed me that was okay. We had a crush on each other pretty much the first week we met each other and it was horribly obvious, we couldn’t even hide it from each other.” he said and continued.

 

“It’s common courtesy to not talk about dreams the first two weeks you date someone, but Jack just brought it up. He was straight up, he said he liked me and that he just wanted to know whether we were soulmates or not so he didn’t.. get too lost in his feelings for me” he said looking lost in thought a little like it was getting hard to talk about now.

 

“So he told me his dream the night before, I'll never forget what it was. Long story short it wasn’t the one I'd had, but here’s the problem. I didn’t tell him that. Life wasn’t the way it was back then, there was no Destiny it was just me and Jack and our parents who well... wouldn’t have been supportive, so I'd lied and I'd agree with him when he told me about his dreams. My biggest fear was for him to ask me to tell him about the dream rather than he explains it and I just agree.. but that’s not what happened” he said then looked down like this was the hardest part to say. At this point, Phil was on the edge of his seat sitting across from Dan on the couches, cause this was a surprisingly deep story coming from someone he expected to be having a shallow small talk with. Dan however during this time was thinking of something really specific, his mind was more on the dream he’d been told from Jack. It was one he’d had repeated throughout his life many times, a big yellow wooden house that he’d walk around in. It was simple, but also very odd and in many ways a lot like Jack. Jack had it very often, and Dan would always have to agree with getting the dream as well. He contemplated adding that to the story but decided to keep that one between just him and Jack.

 

“It was going well for a while, that was until he found my dream journal. I didn’t mean for him to ever find it, and I only kept it cause the secret I had felt like it was getting out of hand I really needed to be open about it somewhere. He.. he freaked. We spent the entire night together, fighting, making up, then fighting again. I tried so hard to convince him that it was okay, that things would work but.. but…” Dan said slowing down to a stop. Phil looked up and saw Dan’s teary eyes then felt a sudden sickness in his stomach and hoped it wasn’t what he thought it was.

 

“What happened?” Phil asked, not wanting to assume Jack’s fate. If it were his choice the next few words out of Dan’s mouth would be ‘we ended things and he’s still out there, happy healthy and living live’.

 

“He left. Seemingly disappeared, until I got the awful news. He’d killed himself the night he drove back to his parents. It was before he even got there, drove right off the road. It was mistaken for an accident for a while because it was winter and all the roads had iced over, but then police found the suicide letter in his backpack and..” Dan said then cut himself off as a tear rolled down his cheek. Phil didn’t just feel sad, he felt sick, empty even. He’d never met Jack but hearing about his death made his stomach twist in a way he couldn’t push away. Instead of worrying about his feelings he stood then walked over and sat next to Dan, wrapping his arms around the crying man.

 

All of this, was this why he didn’t dare figure out if the universe thought he was meant for Mia? Or did he have to do it for all the poor kids out there took their lives because they thought they could never be accepted for being in love with someone the universe didn’t choose for them? Did he have to do it cause now things like Destiny existed and people like him had something to fight for, and people like Dan helping them, assuming he wasn’t Mia’s soulmate?

 

“I’m so sorry Dan. That’s just... awful.” Phil said, hugging him tightly. Dan was thankful he had a strong control over his emotions or he’d be a crying mess, thankfully that single tear followed by only one more was all that came from his empty eyes, so now he just sat there enjoying the hug. It meant a lot to him knowing Phil cared so much, and in a weird way, he already felt a huge connection to him.

 

“Jack sounds like he was a wonderful person,” Phil said, but it didn’t come out the way he wanted it to. He’d meant for it to sound like Dan was lucky he got to know him, but it sounded more like Phil was sad about not getting to meet him himself. It broke his heart knowing someone so young took his life because he was fearing to be an outsider.

 

“He was more than just wonderful, he was perfect. Guess I was glad I even got to know him, huh?” he said, a small dry laugh at the cliche saying, and Phil nodded looking a little lost in thoughts.

 

“Yeah. Guess you were” he said as the cruel silence took back the space of Dan’s apartment in replace of the sad story. He’d never intended on getting so close to Dan, but little did Phil know he’d never regret it, not once.

 

The next hour or so was just other stories about Jack or Mia or other people, Dan also mentioning stories of how he started Destiny. He seems to avoid anything on the topic of before meeting Jack, but Phil doesn’t bother looking into that. After a good while and Phil realizing he’d forgotten to drink his coffee and it was now discarded to the side and cold, he decided to leave.

 

“Thanks,” Phil blurted, not being one to usually speak up with these sort of things. He bit his lip thinking about what was probably waiting for him at home now, seeing as Mia had probably wanted to talk to him about something hours ago but now Phil had neglected to come back home as well as answer any of the texts Phil assumed she’d been leaving him.

 

“For what?” Dan questioned, pulling Phil out of his thoughts. 

 

“For opening up to me and.. being okay with me opening up to you. Not a lot of people seem to care long enough to get to know someone enough to actually tell them personal things like that, but you’re different. There’s no song and dance with you, it’s simple. If you want to get to know someone then you do. It makes me wish more people were like that” he finished before realizing he’d probably said too much about it. Dan didn’t seem to mind.

 

“Well, I’m glad I made such a good impression. Being straight up is the most important thing someone’s ever taught me. Shame is a wasted emotion, all that stuff.” Dan said and Phil just smiled.

 

“I hope we’ll be seeing each other soon. I wouldn’t want this to go to waste” Dan said, and Phil’s cheeks turned a soft pink. What an odd reaction to have towards a friend. 

 

“I have to agree. We’ll surely need to make plans to see each other in the future” Phil said before goodbye were said, and the moment of Phil’s day he’d been dreading the most was finally coming.


	3. Lilies and Chrysanthemums

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a feeling of hurt in the air Phil can't exactly pinpoint, and after hearing stories from his new friend Dan Howell that made his heart ache badly, he suddenly feels more alone then he had in years.
> 
> Phil could say for certain their world was mysterious, but that failed to answer any other question he had sadly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing this faster then i intended on doing lmao. I have a good idea for another fanfic after this (which i'm starting rn as well) and also writing PL:AS so literally all i'm doing is writing lmao?
> 
> But i love it so who cares. Hope you like this onee!

**Lilies and** **Chrysanthemums**

 

Phil was never a very particular person, not usually. Something was different. The radio was too loud, this road was far too long.

 

He hadn’t expected to spend so much time at Dan’s house, Mia was surely worried about him, yet his notifications remained empty despite one looming one from Dan himself. They already had started a conversation and Phil was barely out of the parking lot of the apartment complex. 

 

He was nervous and clueless. He felt itchy and sad. Nothing made sense about that. He couldn’t stop thinking, his mind was going millions of miles a second. He checked the rearview mirror and only saw himself, but flashes of green struck his eyes and hurt his soul, what was happening?

 

Phil thought of Dan and how his encounter had been. The story he’d been told, about his old friend Jack, it stayed in his mind. He thought about how natural things felt with Dan, in a weird way. It didn’t feel like a match made in heaven, but he liked that. He liked how that always felt. He was reminded that it felt like that with Mia too, the love of his life. Who’s to say what a soulmate even was.

 

Was it just someone that got you through and through, or someone you were made for? Phil got lost in thought, until breaking and gasping at the soft face tickling surprise he hadn’t expected. Was he.. crying? He stared into the tiny mirror and watched himself cry, soon he was sobbing. 

 

The world was blurry in his eyes, and he needed to regain himself and focus. There was another bling on the phone, something he’d been telling himself he’d answer later despite the already ongoing conversation he had going with Dan. He grabbed his phone, trying his best to hold the steering wheel while wipe his eyes to see the message in his notifications.

 

‘Phil are you okay?’

 

He cried more, his heart hurt knowing Dan was worried. His heart seemed more empty then it ever had in his entire life. He didn’t feel himself falling until his forehead lightly hit the steering wheel, and suddenly he was questioning. How long was this road?

 

A loud sound, and suddenly Phil couldn’t breathe. His eyes closed shut in fear, the car stopping with great force, then silence taking over. He opened his eyes and looked around, breathing out slowly and carefully. The car had almost driven right off the road through a little space where the road fence seemed to break off from what looked like a pure force.

 

A searing pain went right through Phil’s head sharply, making him wince and assume he’d hit it on the steering wheel. He bit his lip, his hand going to his chest and clutching the fabric of his shirt near his heart, sighing softly. Something felt wrong, in a way he couldn’t explain, like off balance and he hoped it wasn’t a problem with his health or anything but either way it felt wrong. He couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed, what if that’d lasted even a second longer? He would’ve died no doubt. What had even happened, Phil was never not paying attention to the road, he was a great driver, how did this happen?

 

He checked the phone again, thinking to text someone for help. What did he do, had the car been hurt? Was this important enough to call 911 over? Phil held his breath then started the car and backed up slowly, thanking God it was happening easily and no one else was on the road at the moment. He got out of the car then got to his feet, feeling sickly. He walked around, checking the sides of the car seeing just a few scratches here and there but other than that, nothing else. 

 

Phil got back into the car then moved it out of the way. He paused then thought, thinking he should maybe go home, but for some reason, he couldn’t get himself to. He got out once more, closing the car door behind him and walking over to where the road broke off. The edges of the road’s fence were sharped and accidental, making him wince. He hesitated, then without another thought he grabbed the road fence and lowered himself down the grass path to the small forest area below the drop-off. The trees were thick together, only one hiccup at the beginning here a tree seemed to be missing, only a stump left in its remains filling and emptying him with wonder.

 

He took this moment to pull his phone out, seeing the message that remained once more. ‘Phil are you okay?’. Phil frowned at it, thinking over the question over and over before finally getting the courage to type back ‘I don’t know’ then sent it back, putting the phone back in his pocket. He took a deep breath then went deeper into the forest, looking around at the trees surrounding him. 

 

Phil had never questioned anything he’d ever done in his life. Everything seemed like the obvious thing to do, from loving Mia and spending his life with her right down to the kinds of flowers he wanted to see in her hair while exchanging rings. Everything was obvious, he never gave things a second thought. 

 

Mia was home. She was something that never didn’t feel comfortable, but suddenly Phil couldn’t stop questioning his life while looking at the grass under his feet. He wanted to sink to his knees and sob, smell the dirt and remember the footsteps that once sunk into the soil or even the ones that never got the chance to. It was loving and tragic all at once, the air smelled of fireworks and love. He could see a connection to Earth he’d never felt before, a connection he’d never had to Mia, the so-called love of his life.

 

Phil didn’t remember sitting down, but here he sat criss-cross in the grass that seemed to be greener than any other he’d ever seen. He stared into the background of life, losing his focus and not caring. “What does it all mean?” he spoke to nothing, tragically. It was the only question he could seem to ask despite all the others he’d come up with.

 

So maybe the universe got it right.. or maybe it didn’t. He didn’t know, and neither did the world. Maybe it didn’t have to be love or meant to be, maybe it could be lifetime relationship despite what it meant. 

 

Phil had never questioned anything he’d ever done in his life. So why was he doing it now?

 

He brought his hand up to wipe the single tear rolling down his cheek. None of this made sense, one just a few days ago everything was fine, now everything was swirling right before his eyes, and the only reason he could come up with as to why was Dan. 

 

Was one conversation all it really took to realize his life was all wrong?

 

_ Phil bit his lip, knocking on the almost red door, the paint had been slowly peeling off, more was gone every time he came to visit it. He waited for a bit, exhaling and seeing his breath puff out in the cold January air as he squeezed his fingers a bit, trying to gain feeling in them a little. The door swung open, a flood of warm air greeted him as well as a warm feeling, seeing the one thing he’d wanted to see in a summer dress of all things, with her light red hair up and freckles and smile shining bright like they always had.  _

 

_ “Phil? What are you doing here?” Mia asked, seeming surprised but in a happy way. Phil just smiled, loving the sight of her. _

 

Looking back on young love sent more tears down Phil’s face.

 

_ “I uhm.. Actually, do you mind if I come in?” Phil asked with a small laugh, his breath coming out in visible puffs once more, making her nod quickly along with a string of ‘yeah’s and ‘come in’s. Phil walked in letting the warmth engulf him, taking a second to warm up before smiling at her and putting his arms out. Mia looked down her focus now on the flowers in Phil’s hands, something she had neglected to notice before. _

 

_ “Phil! That’s so sweet, you didn’t have to get me anything” she said, leaning in and kissing him, taking them as well and admiring them. Her expression dropped noticing the flowers she’d been given was a bouquet of white Chrysanthemums and Lilies with a few yellow ones of each scattered in as well. Phil frowned noticing her expression freeze before melting into a laugh, Mia giving tiny cute snorts in between laughs. _

 

_ “What are you planning on murdering me?” she asked cutely, making Phil frown in confusion now, stepping forward seeing her holding the bouquet. _

 

_ “Phil, these are like death flowers. Lilies and Chrysanthemums? They mean mourning, the color you picked and everything” she said, ending it with another string of cute laughs. Phil’s expression dropped as well, into a sort of dumbfounded one, feeling silly. In all honesty, Phil didn't even know what kind of flowers he’d bought, he just noticed they looked pretty. _

 

_ “Oh” was all that came from Phil’s mouth as Mia just laughed and hugged him. _

 

_ “Wow, that explains a lot. The guy at the store said he’d pray for me” Phil said making Mia giggle on. _

 

_ “You are such a dork, Phil,” she said leaning up on her tippy toes and kissing him softly. Phil paused his breathing, letting the moment stop time on his heartbeat. He wished they could stay like this forever, but sadly she pulled away. _

 

_ “Everyone brings red roses. I wanted to be unique” he protested. Mia just looked into his eyes and smiled brightly, the thought counting for more than anything brought to the table. _

 

_ “I love you,” she said suddenly. Phil lost all words in that moment, not expecting her to have said that. He’d known he loved her for a while, but he didn’t quite know how to bring it up. He bit his lip then readied to say it back before being cut off. _

 

_ “And that scares me,” she said, Phil now noticing Mia had tears in her eyes. He widened his own and stepped forward, taking the flowers that lied in hands between them then placing them on the side to hug her. He didn’t even know why she was upset, he just knew he wanted to make it better. _

 

_ “Don’t. We can’t. We have to.. do something or.. I don’t know! We don’t even know if we’re soulmates Phil” she said, her voice cracking many times, hushing herself at the last part so no one heard her. _

 

_ “I know we planned to wait and then share our dreams, but I just don’t know if I can. What if we’re not? I don’t know if my heart can take that kind of rejection from the universe.” she blurted almost all at once, barely breathing in between words, tears now rolling down her cheeks. _

 

_ “And if we stay together when we’re not soulmates then no one will talk to us and we.. we can never get married. My parents will kick me out for sure, yours too no doubt. We’ll be alone forever and I don’t know if I’d mind but I couldn’t do that to you it wouldn’t be fair cause you deserve to live normally.” she went on, and Phil knew there was no chance he’d get a word in, so he leaned in and kissed her. _

 

_ It was no doubt the most loving kiss he’s ever shared with someone. Soft but firm, like he’d cross the world with nothing but the clothes on his back just to see her smile, fight the toughest of demons and face his biggest fears to see her live happily ever after. He’d do it no question. _

 

_ “I love you, too,” he said softly and felt her silently sob into his clothes. He waited a moment. _

 

_ “And I don’t care if we’re soulmates,” he said, making her pull back and look him in the eye, surprised. _

 

_ “We’re in this together. We’re a team, Mia. I love you, you love me. Fuck dreams, let’s show the world we can be happy just being the two of us” he said, and never regretted those words. _

 

Phil took a deep breath, he’d cried all the tears he could muster up.

 

He felt it back then and he felt it now, the need to go back to Mia and be with her until the end of time. Was it underline fear? Fear that he wouldn’t know who he was without her, or was it true happy intense love that could never be broken. He didn’t know, and tonight he didn’t want to. 

 

The drive back was silent, and that wasn’t saying much as he was alone, but it didn’t feel like he was supposed to be. 

 

He pulled up to his house and sat for a moment before looking down and seeing he was getting a call from Dan. He answered after a moment of thinking.

 

“Hello?” he asked, almost being cut short by a Dan in worry.

 

“Phil? God are you okay, I didn’t wanna call if you were busy but I just.. I got a really bad vibe and you weren’t answering” Dan said, his voice getting less and less confident the more he talked.

 

“It was stupid, I’m sorry” Dan got out before Phil could answer.

 

“Dan, it’s fine. Thanks for calling, I should’ve answered I’m... sorry. Everything's fine I just had a moment I guess” he said, sounding unsure about everything he was saying, Dan, could feel it too.

 

“Alright... Just stay okay. Don’t hesitate to call me if somethings wrong” Dan said, making Phil feel a bit weird. They were supposed to be strangers, but Phil felt like he’d made a best friend in Dan, more than that almost. It was hard to explain, and he wondered once more if sometimes the universe got it right.

 

“I won’t” Phil answered, smiling for the first time since he’d left Dan’s place that morning. They wrapped up the conversation slower then he knew was possible, like they both didn’t want it to end, then Phil was left alone with silence again and it killed him inside.

 

_ “We’re in this together. We’re a team, Mia. I love you, you love me” _

 

Indirect vows, and though it wasn’t in a church on some Saturday afternoon in June with white dresses and black suits, he still meant every word and intended on keeping those vows.

 

Phil got out of the car, his mind blank which scared him as much as it comforted him. He grabbed the things he needed then shut the door, going to their house. He remembered the day they found this house online. It seemed unrealistic, like a dream they’d never get, for months they referred to it as their dream house. Luckily no one bought it before they found they could, which was like a dream come true to them.

 

He had everything he wanted.

 

Phil opened the door and came in. The air was still silent around him until some distant voices surrounded him, and when he entered the living room he saw a teary-eyed Mia on the couch, watching a movie. She saw him then paused it, and Phil knew her heart was breaking right before him, he just didn’t know.

 

“Mia, what’s wrong?” Phil asked calmly, sitting down next to her. She just cried softly, shaking her head.

 

“I’m scared,” Mia said, looking down and feeling quite empty inside, but mostly alone which is something she never imagined she’d have to feel again. Phil didn’t bother asking, he knew he was going to get an answer he just didn’t know if he wanted to hear it.

 

“I’m scared everything will change. I just want things to stay the same” she said, and Phil started to wonder if this was just common fear rather then fear from something actually happening, but then she said something Phil wouldn’t ever expect, not in a million years.

 

“I loved watching that anime with you, as much as any other. I know it’s your favorite, though you say your favorite is the same as mine. It makes sense you’d dream about it” she spoke. Phil felt pale, and suddenly he felt the urge to vomit. Everything connected quickly, too quickly. Mia knew a dream he’d had, somehow she’d figured out, but she’s more than just sad about it which had to mean-

 

“At the party, you told me. One too many drinks... I guess.” She clarified, interrupting his thoughts. Phil looked at her, she didn’t just look broken, she looked lost like she didn’t know where to go from here. This didn’t make sense, and it wasn’t fair. Phil and Mia were in love and happy together, why should something as stupid as sharing dreams decide who he could be with, but he knew it mattered. He’d been there to support Dan’s company cause it’s easy to be okay with things when it wasn’t you, but now that he was staring this danger of something new in the face he was almost certain he wasn’t going to be able to handle it. He hated it, he hated that he knew what was coming next.

 

“You’re not my soulmate,” Mia said. Her eyes were rubbed dry from the previous tears Phil could assume had been there, her sun-freckled face now pale and lifeless, while also being red and blotchy, a red similar to her hair that was now out of a ponytail and looking ratted up. She was at what Phil could only assume was her worst right next to the Mexican restaurant food poisoning incident of 2010, and yet Phil could say without a doubt she was still the most beautiful girl he knew.

 

But what if the universe was right?


	4. Pull Yourself Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When it rains it pours, something true to life. What people didn’t know is one of Phil’s favorite thing was storms.
> 
> Phil had never enjoyed life to the fullest, his mistake. He'd soon learn there was nothing wrong with living every day on earth like it was his last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to go to bed. Just wrote all of this in 3 hours, jesus help. 
> 
> Anyways i hope ya like this, though this ff isn't my favorite so far i do quite like how i'm planning on wrapping it up. none of my endings will ever be normal or what your expecting, i'll tell ya that much.
> 
> Enjoy.
> 
> ps i have no friends.

**Pull Yourself Together**

 

When it rains it pours, something true to life. What people didn’t know is one of Phil’s favorite thing was storms.

 

He never meant to start fighting over this, not being soulmates. He couldn’t imagine it going any other way, and it broke his heart knowing this was the first fight he could even remember having with Mia. She cried, he did too. 

 

“What happened to this didn’t matter to you?” Mia asked, betray in the air. 

 

“I never said it did, but hiding this from me? You can’t act like this doesn’t change everything?” Phil said. He couldn’t help but feel he was trying to make it rain.

 

“So what now, huh? Are we just over?” Mia asked, questions the only thing slipping from her chapped lips.

 

“I never said that! I just.. I need to think” Phil claimed, shaking his head and looking away.

 

The conversation only escalated.

 

“If I’d known you’d act like this I wouldn’t have told you!” Mia replied.

 

“Then why did you?” Phil continued, them now going back and forth.

 

“Cause I thought you were mature enough to handle it! Guess I don’t know you at all”

 

“Guess I don’t know you either”

 

“Well if you’re so sure of that, why are we even together?” Mia then said, leaving Phil shocked. Their eyes changed in the contact they made, now filled with sadness and the need to repair, but at this point, repairing would take more time then they had. 

 

Phil didn’t know what to say, and it was obvious Mia didn’t know either. He stepped forward, ready to suggest they should stop fighting and just call it a night, but instead their lips touched and didn’t let go.

 

The kiss felt fiery and full of leftover hurt that lingered on their tongues that soon intertwined. Phil didn’t hesitate to press her back against the wall, something aggressive he never did as the caring and gentle person he was and always remained. He was mad, the whole world would know if they saw him right now. He was angry at Mia, at Dan, at Thomas for having the stupid party, at Society, at life being unfair for loss, at the world, but mostly he was angry at himself.

 

Mia was still home to him.

 

They kissed, clothes were discarded faster than they ever had been. Phil felt himself tear up seeing parts of her, how beautiful they could be. He could tell she was angry too, but he wasn’t sure at who. They made their way up to the bed as soon as they could. 

 

Phil felt an overwhelming sadness at this decision, like the idea of doing this made his stomach turn in waves. Were things going to end? Was this the last time they’d share each other in their bed? Mia could tell there was more on his mind, she always could do things like that, and distracted him with a bite to the lip, pulling him back into everything they had.

 

Phil was a gentleman at heart, a sweet and caring guy. The one who’d show up with soup if you were sick, the one you bring home to meet your parents. He’d always been respectful when referring to the things between him and his lover, whoever it may be.

 

But there was no sugar coating this. They had sex, but it wasn’t loving and seemed to last forever. It hurt every inch if his heart and body hurt and he had no idea why. Phil didn’t remember how it started or how it ended and was thankful he couldn’t. Mia was complicated in her own simple ways, she had always been. It was like celebrities having controversy or nude art, you kind of like it but you're also indifferent to it. 

 

Phil didn’t know who he was without her, and that confused him. It was his partner, someone always next to him in life, and he was losing her to the ways of the world.

 

-

 

Waking up was the best part of Phil’s day, usually. Most days it’d be warm and right next to the love of his life. Every morning would go the exact same way, and Phil loved it. It was their classic routine, he’d get up the same time as her and roll over to face her.

 

However, this morning when he opened his eyes, it was dark and cold. The sun streaming through the blinds seemed to have a blue tint to it, making the room feel foreign and uncomfortable rather than like home. His arms were cold to the touch, seeing as no blanket shielded him from the unusual brisk air that lined Mia’s room.

 

His room. Their room. The room.

 

He squeezed his eyes shut as if he were a kid wishing on a star, but instead of hoping for the world around him to change and for him to be disappointed, he opted for rubbing his eyes. He heard breathing, Mia was far to warm next to him to be in the same cold room as him, but yet there she laid. He didn’t bother looking over at her, it’d just upset him. He rolled off the bed, finding his clothes that were scattered across the room and pulling them on his aching body.

He waited till he was out of the room to start humming to himself. A song he hadn’t heard, and sometimes he wondered if he’d ever heart it in this lifetime he was in now. A strange mind he held, no one was denying that. The strange mind he held seemed to fit the strange world he lived in, so it was either a perfect fit or a match made in hell.

 

His mind wandered back to the dream he’d had. It was one he’d had many times before, he wondered if it was common to have recurring dreams like such. Nevertheless, he visited the world again and again in his sleep. It was comforting to him, a big part of his life Mia knew nothing about. That hurt, but it’s why he kept a dream journal to pour everything into. He stared at it at the moment from downstairs in his kitchen, across counters from the one he was leaning against.  _ Phil had never questioned anything in his life, so why now? _ Unfortunately, Phil had forgotten to question why his dream journal was downstairs instead of in his room under his pillow like always.

 

Phil decided against it more times then he could count, but now he was grabbing his keys and leaving before Mia even woke up. The air outside was freezing, but the car was hot and sticky, Phil could barely breathe in it. 

 

He drove around for minutes, not really knowing where he was going until he ended up in front of a farmers market. It was set up for the weekend like it was every weekend, tents in front of each local grower trying to sell their products. He and Mia had always joked about it in high school, like it was a thing middle-aged couples did to distract from their horrible marriage, until one day they actually went. It was pretty much what they expected, but they started going every weekend. They’d made a lot of their classy friends that way, leading to wine tasting parties and rich people fundraising parties, but what no one knew is Mia and Phil only went cause everyone took their dogs there. 

 

It was a little inside joke of theirs, going to the farmers market to see some dogs. Anyone would laugh, but go to one of those things and they’d see what Phil meant when he called it Dog Heaven. Just now in the car looking at it from afar, he could spot at least 3 dogs every minute as couples or families walked past stands, deciding what to buy.

 

It never failed to brighten Phil’s mood, but to no one's surprise, it just made him feel alone. He hoped that at least something here could brighten his mood, so he stayed hopeful as he left the car, wincing a bit at the bright shine of the early morning sun. It was early, really early which is why Mia and Phil slowly stopped going to these things seeing as they weren’t exactly early birds unless they had to be.

 

He locked the car then slipped his hands into his pockets, walking towards the crowds of middle-aged couples doing what they did to distract from their horrible marriage. He circled the place, spotting dogs along the way and occasionally stopping by tents which sold different things. Some of it actually looked nice, compared to how it looked in the past, but he hadn’t brought any money, though he doubted it’d make a real difference to how much stuff he’d buy.

 

Phil never liked how many people tried to talk to him during these things, it never failed to bug him. At first, it wasn’t too bad, but now it was getting on his nerves seeing as he was in a particularly quiet mood. He looked down, fiddling in his pocket to pull out his phone and search for his earbuds, hoping the music would make people keep to themselves. In the midst of walking his boot covered foot tripped over something similar to the shape of said boot covered foot before he realized there was no end to the thing, he was tripping over. 

 

He looked up and came face to face with something he didn’t expect to see here.

 

“Dan?” Phil asked, his eyes met with the friends he’d still only recently made. Dan in front of him looked as surprised as he felt but just smiled sweetly.

 

“Phil! What are you doing here?” Dan asked, leaving Phil quite speechless. He opened his mouth, his brain searching for something to say but in there end there was no real reason as to why he was here other than to just get away. Dan’s eyes filled with a bit of pity, seeing his friend in just a confused state. He had a feeling the answer wasn’t good if he couldn’t just outright say it.

 

“You doing okay? How about we get outta here, did you drive here? I took the bus” Dan said in a comforting way. Phil smiled weakly and nodded, appreciating him more then Dan could probably even comprehend. 

 

“Yeah, I drove. Here” Phil trailed off, walking with Dan by his side over to the car he had parked by the side. He hadn’t really walked around that much but to no one's surprise doing something he usually did with Mia, now alone wasn’t making him feel much better.

 

The two got into the car, closing the doors behind them and silence soon falling over both. Dan thought of something to say as quickly as he could, but before he could get it out Phil started the car and drove. It didn’t take Dan long to figure out where he was going, he was going to his home. The fact that Phil’s first instinct wasn’t to go to his own house saddened Dan, but not as much as it depressed Phil.

 

Dan reached over and flicked the radio on without a second thought, making Phil jump slightly. His car rides were silent and forbidden, but this was different. Their eyes met, they smiled and for once Phil knew he wasn’t lying.

 

The song was one Phil had heard before, but he couldn’t exactly pinpoint where he’d heard it. Nevertheless, it made him smile. They didn’t talk, but they didn’t need to fill the silence though it didn’t exist at the moment. 

 

Phil pulled up to Dan’s apartment sooner than expected, and the two happily got out of the car. The air was freezing and would cause pain to anyone's soft skin, but for some reason, they went along looking untouched before going in. 

 

“So are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Dan asked, Phil, biting his lip thinking of a correct response. 

 

“I uhm.. I’m not sure” he admitted with a shrug, and Dan nodded. 

 

“Fair enough,” he said, going off to make Phil coffee, as he learned from before it was Phil’s favorite as opposed to tea or some other hot beverage. Silence fell over them easily again, and Dan could feel a terrible barrier between them he didn’t want. He wanted to know Phil in ways that might not have been expected. 

 

“Why were you at a farmers market?” Phil asked before Dan ever could think about asking him that very question. Dan thought about it for a moment then snorted into a laugh.

 

“Cause there are dogs there, duh. I wasn’t gonna actually buy anything.. then again some of those homemade soaps have me second guessing that statement, not gonna lie” Dan said. Phil wanted to be surprised by this, but he couldn’t get himself to be. Dan wanted to look at dogs. Phil wondered if that's why everyone went to them, but of course, he’d never know the answer to that.

 

Dan finished making him the coffee and handed it to him, then two of them sitting on the couch together and settling into a silence they were all too familiar again. Phil was doing that thing again where he looked into the coffee as if he were expecting it to have all the answers to the questions he was too scared to straight out ask.

 

Dan had a feeling nothing would change between them if he didn’t make a difference.

 

“I once knew a guy like you. Name said before or not, he was like you in many ways. It took a lot to bring his spirits down, like a wave of emotion or a realization nothing was what he thought it was. When things like that happened, nothing seemed to cheer him up then knowing the friends he had around him were real and honest with him” Dan said carefully, making Phil look over to him, curiously.

 

“I was an intern at dReam,” Dan said, shocking Phil. He nodded as if to confirm the questioning Phil had swirling through his mind. 

 

“Me and Jack, both. We’d gone to college together for it. It was something to be excited for at first, but being there broke my heart. I learned things I soon hated knowing about the world and how it worked, it bugged me to no end.” Dan continued, looking genuinely hurt by this memory.

 

“There’s a point in every person's life where they just have to take a step back and really ask themselves if they were happy with the choices they’d made in life, and that was mine, so I left and let myself fall in love and lie to someone that’s no longer around” Dan finished. Phil felt sick but didn’t think of it, more focused on the idea that maybe he was at that point in his life where he just really needed to guide himself.

 

“We’re not soulmates, Mia and i” Phil let the words spill from his mouth and felt no regret. It was a fact and no longer a worry of his.

 

“I feel so distant to her and everything we are is falling apart at the seams” Phil choked out, feeling a lump in his throat. As he talked his eyes never tore from Dan’s, getting an understanding look from him.

 

“Well, Phil, what’s so wrong with that?” Dan spoke up, sitting next to Phil on the same couch rather than across from him. There was an overwhelming emotion but it was hard to explain what either of them was feeling. 

 

“Everything is! It’s all changed and I just can’t stop thinking now” Phil complained out loud, looking into Dan’s eyes. He didn’t know what he was mad about anymore. His heart fluttered uncontrollably.

 

“Don’t you get it? That’s what places like Destiny are for, for couples like you and Mia. The universe around us wants us to believe falling in love with someone who wasn’t your soulmate but whos to say that’s how it is? You clearly love her” Dan protested, hating to watch Phil in the pain he was in.

 

“But what if the universe got it right? What if I’m not meant to be with Mia”

 

“That kind of thinking is why we exist. We’re curious, we all are, but rules were made to be broken. Are you gonna let some annoying part of your brain stop you from doing what you really want to?” Dan asked. Phil was silent, he had no answer to this, well that was a lie but that seemed to be all he could never say.

 

“Huh?” Dan asked. Phil was silent.

 

“Phil,” Dan said. Phil was silent. Was he gonna let some annoying part of his brain stop him from doing what he really wanted to?

 

Phil leaned in, breaking the wall into millions of pieces so tiny you’d never even know they once made up something that kept to hearts apart. He pressed his lips to ones he’d never met before, an introduction to mistakes and regret mixed with love and confusion, or maybe this was just a fluke. No one could deny the pain, but the sparks were undeniable as well. They kissed, but it was so much more than just a kiss. It was a warm hug from a friend you had as a child. It was a warm cooked meal from your mother, no one made it better than her. It was an episode of a show you’d seen only a million times. It was a park you have tons of memories in, ones you miss that never fail to make you cry as you relive them in your head. It was a song that played on the radio in some year you hadn’t lived in almost a decade. It was familiar but new. He wanted to do it all over again, relive the moment being lived now but knew it was impossible. Dan moved his lips against his, and he never quite remembered closing his eyes until all he saw was repetitive patterns of colors that made no sense, forming into what looked like a future with the owner of these lips he kissed, a future he smiled in even if it meant living a future the universe never wanted to happen.

 

A headache that’d built up in Phil’s head slowly melted away as he kissed Dan, but when he pulled away from him it all sadly came flooding back.


	5. Afternoon In June

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil wonders if his life would be all that different if he'd spent that one afternoon in June, the answer is no, a million times no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse me while i pour out all my deepness and feelings into a dan and phil fanfic lmao. It's cause no one wants to hear my thoughts and emotions when they come up woops
> 
> anyways hope ya like it, and thanks for the feedback it's so nice reading them c:

**Afternoon In June**

 

Everyone always says to get used to change, it's useful. They say life will throw you through a whirlwind of emotion when you least expect it, and you have to be prepared for anything to happen so you can keep your head on your shoulders when things go wrong.

 

Funny thing, Phil was so ready for things to change. It wasn’t that he was exactly wishing for it, but it was something he was expecting technically, and yet here he was driving home and everything was exactly the same when it really wasn’t supposed to be. Sure he wasn’t home yet, but something had to change, right?

 

He could still remember it all, the feeling of kissing Dan, it was like flying and swimming at the speed of light at the same time. He could see a whole future with the person on the other side, going through the hell of life with this person by his side, it was crazy. It ended sooner then fair, and they were both left speechless. Phil didn’t want to come back down, he wanted to stay in the air forever, but life never worked out that easily.

 

Phil didn’t mind the silence on this car ride because it didn’t feel silent at all. He felt a buzz, and he never wanted it to go away.

 

He pulled into his house like he’d done many times, then got out and went in without letting himself get distracted by too many things. He wasn’t sure why he was so eager to go inside, shouldn’t he be fearing what came next? It was almost like Phil was frustrated life was teasing him, like a new chapter of life started with nothing changing whatsoever.

 

Phil walks into the house and doesn’t see Mia anywhere. The atmosphere in the house puts a pit in his stomach, so he continues to look for her. He turns a few corners then sees Mia finally in the kitchen, cooking something he didn’t bother looking at. 

 

She had her hair up, her signature ginger ponytail and little cooking apron. She wasn’t new, she wasn’t change, but she was something just as good sometimes, right? She was love and home.

 

Suddenly Phil couldn’t stop remembering all the reasons why he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her not just a month ago. There was an overwhelming feeling of the need to just hold her for life, and all he could feel now was guilt that he’d just basically betrayed her in every way possible. He wanted to go back.

 

“Mia,” Phil said. He’d come in here all ready to tell her what he’d done and ask where to go from there, work everything out and hopefully have Dan somewhere in his future, close to him most times so those brown eyes that had a way of melting his brain from the inside were always around for him to stare into. But suddenly it all broke apart, as she swiveled around and looked at her.

 

“I love you. I’ve loved you since the day I met you and I could never stop loving you. I.. I’m so sorry about everything that’s happened. I should’ve never left this morning. We’re in this together. We’re a team, Mia. I love you, you love me. Nothing will change that” Phil said pressing his lips together after talking. Mia’s eyes were glossy looking like she’d either been crying or was about to, but it didn’t matter if she was gonna cry cause Phil would be right there for her, the entire time.

 

That night they spent together, watching movies and staying in, doing close to nothing. They ate until their stomachs hurt and laid down until they’re legs felt like jello when they stood. It was perfect, and it was just like how Phil and Mia always had been in the past. Phil got texts from Dan, all just asking where he was or how he was doing, but he didn’t answer. He felt bad, of course, he did, but he couldn’t think about that right now. Mia was basically his wife, just because there was no ceremony didn’t make it mean any less to him. He didn’t need to spend some afternoon in June at a church to make it count, he knew that now, he just needed Dan to get it.

 

Mia went to bed before him, she’d fallen asleep on the couch and when Phil finally found out he turned the tv off and carried her to their bed upstairs. He watched her snuggle into the blankets when he laid her down and smiled seeing how beautiful she was when she slept. He stood for a while before noticing something was on the ground next to the bed. Phil bent down to get a closer look at what it was before realizing it was a journal. Wait no, not just any journal, this was a dream journal and Mia’s at that.

 

He’d only seen her dream journal a few times in his life before, and every time he didn’t bother giving it more than just a glance out of respect, but now things seemed different. There was no point in not, they knew they weren’t soulmates. He chewed on his lip for a second trying to decide if he should bother giving it a look, and after a while, his curiosity got the best of him.

Phil opened the journal and wondered which one to go to. He shrugged then just decided to look at the last one that was written in the journal, realizing it’d actually been the once before the party by the looks of it. He wondered if she’d stopped writing after finding out they weren’t soulmates, if so it was probably because her mind was occupied with these types of things, and they only had the journals you have to self-write in by memory other then the really nice expensive ones they had that you kept under your pillow and tracked them on its own.

 

He began reading it, he was surprised how goofy it was, but in the end, it made sense cause it fit her. In the dream Mia and the cast of friends went on a crazy journey to find Joey and save his life, it was comical and sometimes a bit dramatic, but like he said it fit her and sounded like something she’d dream about. He smiled sadly, letting out a sigh. It was endearing but it still hurt, he’d thought for so long they’d get lucky on this and find out they were soulmates, two souls mate for each other, on this universe to find each other and fall in love. This hurt, but he couldn’t let it get to him.

 

He looked over at her once more and smiled. They were in this together. Phil sighed and put the journal back in the spot it’d landed on the floor, probably from falling off the bed, and got into bed with her seeing as they hadn’t shared a bed normally in a while, and fell asleep. Things were gonna be normal again, Phil just knew it.

 

And that was it. Things went on like that, it was pretty simple but at the same time more complicated then It had ever been. He and Dan still talked, often actually, but they never brought up the kiss again which made Phil sort of nervous. He was all prepared to have this big speech telling Dan he liked him a lot, so much it made his head spin sometimes, but he couldn’t do that sort of thing with him cause he was in love with his future wife, but it never happened. Then again he was also prepared for things to change, and to his surprise, that’s exactly what he got.

He went back and forth from Mia’s to Dan’s often. Every time made his head hurt in ways he just couldn’t explain.

 

A lot of the situations ended up strange, but some stood out to him.

 

“Wouldn’t it be weird if.. you know we were soulmates?” Phil said looking up into Dan’s eyes, Dan’s face immediately going white. They talked like this often, more often then Phil had expected them too, but still they never once had brought up the kiss.

 

“Well I wouldn’t.. i .. don’t know what to say” Dan admitted, stuttering a bit. His cheeks were red in the way that made Phil want to kiss him over and over, it was just so adorable. Dan clearly didn’t know how to react, he obviously didn’t want Phil to see how he felt about him based on the way he reacted, so he remained a bit confused for a second.

 

“I could never marry a soulmate of mine” Dan decided on that choice of words, shocking Phil to no end. He waited for a moment, thinking that through then looking back at him.

 

“Why?” Phil asked, trying not to seem so disappointed. It’s not that he even was, it was just more of a crushed dream that he already knew would’ve never happened. Like the one that got away instead one that you never actually had in the first place.

 

“Well, how could I? I love Destiny and everything it fights for, and even though not all couples have to follow this ruling that I'm claiming it doesn’t matter if your soulmates, if i act like a hero to all these non-soulmate couples and end up marrying my soulmate, i mean what kind of example am i setting?” Dan said out loud, but it sounded more like he was trying to reason with himself.

 

“It’s not that it’s a bad thing to do, obviously, it just seems a bit hypocritical, does it not?” Dan asked, and Phil bit his lip. He didn’t know how to feel about any of this, it’s not like he and Dan were soulmates, right? Plus he shouldn’t even be happy by that thought. Or wait.. then that’d mean he couldn’t be with Dan. He was confused, so he just replied the best way he could.

 

“I guess. That takes commitment.” Phil said with a little shrug, noticing Dan’s frown as he looked away, drinking the hot drink he had in his hands that Dan had made him when he’d walked through the doors.

 

“What do you mean?” Dan murmured to him before taking a sip of his own drink as well, having made himself one this time which he usually didn’t do.

 

“Well, that’s just a pretty committing thing to do. You’ve never met your soulmate, they might just so happen to be perfect for you.” Phil said and Dan sighed in reply, seeming annoyed.

 

“No, see that’s exactly what’s wrong with the world. I’ve done so many studies on this, the soulmate connection is nothing more than just a connection of dreams. We as humans have deemed it to mean more, which just is stupid. People just get together because they’re soulmates, they might not even be perfect for each other. If it’s some sign from the universe then it’s wrong about us, we’re more then just the worlds plan for us.” Dan said, obviously passionate about what he was talking about. Dan clearly knew a lot about this, so Phil found it hard to have a conversation with him but he attempted to keep an open mind.

 

“Well, what if the universe is right about soulmates?” Phil asked, and the conversation seemed to end there.

 

There was another time that stood out to him as well.

 

“I’m back,” Phil said, closing the door behind him and settling into the warmth of his house. Mia peeked her head up over the book she was reading and grinned at him.

 

“From Dan’s?” Mia assumed. Phil had ended up telling her where he was running off to, saying him and Dan hit it off as buddies. She seemed interested in that idea but didn’t bother asking anymore about it.

 

“Yup. It was pretty cool, we got drinks then watched friends and talked. He was telling me about some idea he had for a protest he was thinking of getting together, which personally I think is a great idea as long as we keep it civil” Phil said, not noticing how interesting Mia was in this. 

 

“We should all get together and have lunch,” Mia said finally, surprising Phil slightly. He hadn’t even considered Mia wanting to meet Dan after they’d hung out so much, now that he thought about it, it seemed like an obvious thing that’d end up happening. He bit his lip then nodded.

 

“Yeah, sure that sounds cool,” Phil said, thinking the conversation would drop there but Mia wanted to go on about it more.

 

“I’m really glad you’ve made friends in him, I knew you two would hit it off,” Mia said making Phil frown.

 

“You say it like you knew him before,” Phil said then watched them melt into silence, making his eyes widen.

 

“ _ Did  _ you know Dan?” Phil asked and Mia sighed, waving her hand dismissively.

 

“Yeah like forever ago. We went to college together” Mia said, and Phil narrowed his eyes. He wasn’t mad, just confused.

 

“No.. we went to college together,” He said, Mia just laughing at the way Phil was acting.

 

“Yeah, we had classes together. We both took the same art classes, we got pretty close. I thought I told you about all of this, y’know the two guys I was hanging with a bunch, you freaked out cause I told you we smoked weed?” Mia said, and Phil’s mouth fell open slightly.

 

“That was Dan?! That- i... how come I never knew about this?” Phil asked, looking one hundred percent surprised. Mia sort of shrugged.

 

“To be honest I thought he’d already told you about it,” Mia said with a bit of a smile, standing and putting the book she had aside, making sure she shoved her bookmark in it, which at the time was just a piece of scrap paper cause honestly, anything worked.

 

“Wait so if Dan was one, who was the other guy?” Phil asked. Mia thought for a moment, then perked up, then fell short. It was a weird stream of events he watched happen, but didn’t think much of it ‘till she responded.

 

“Uhm.. he was just some guy,” Mia said, walking off after that and not letting the conversation continued after that. With the way Mia acted Phil could only assume it wasn’t just some guy, but he thought maybe pushing it would result in a fight or something worse. He thought back and knew Dan’s best friend in college was Jack, the one who committed suicide, was it possible that was the other guy she was talking about?

 

There were other moments, but those were the most memorable ones. Weeks seemed to go by in blurs, and now Phil found himself getting ready for lunch with Dan and Mia, something he didn’t think would be happening, but now knowing Dan and Mia had met first it put a new light on the situation.

 

Phil looked in the mirror, fixing his hair a bit before putting a nice shirt on, dark blue then some black jeans and nodded, thinking it looked pretty okay. Mia came out of their bathroom wearing a cute dress, green so it complimented her ginger hair. They were ready sooner then Phil had thought they’d be, so they gave Dan a heads up they were arriving a little earlier, and he didn’t seem to mind so he assumed Dan hadn’t had that many things going on that day.

 

“So you really weren’t kidding about that Ted and Andy thing, huh?” Mia asked, getting in the car along with Phil.

 

“I’m just as surprised as you are. I mean hey good for them” Phil said, laughing a little at the end.

 

“And us, do you know how long I’ve been looking for a couple we could double date with? Who better than our best friends?” Mia asked but it was more stated matter-of-factly. Phil agreed in silence and started up the car, driving. They’d decided to meet at a little cafe Mia had been to before with her parents when she was little, made it clear to avoid getting any of their vegan choices but other than that the food was ‘to die for’. 

 

“I’ve been talking about it to Andy, he says everything's going great, soulmates through and through.” Mia continued, her voice faltering a little. The idea of soulmates had been quite a touchy subject, it shouldn’t because they know they aren’t no matter what, but Phil could tell Mia was quite jealous of those couples out there who were meant for each other. Not being soulmates were gonna make things quite complicated, if they had any hopes of doing this for life, but Dan was giving Phil hope as much as he was destroying it.

 

“That’s great for them. Soulmates or not, they’re in love and that’s such a wonderful thing” Phil said, saving the dark cloud from looming over Mia. He smiled seeing her spirits lift at what he said, then the conversation fell into nothing, but no one seemed mad about it. 

 

They arrived, leaving the car and coming together, Phil putting his arm around Mia from instinct and to his surprise he saw Dan sitting on a little cafe table in front of the place they were meeting up. Dan turned his head, they’re eyes meeting and Phil couldn’t tell if he was just crazy, but he got nothing but hurt from his eyes seeing Phil and Mia together like this.

 

“Hey!” Mia was the first to greet, the two of them walking over, Phil sitting in one of the chairs.

 

“Hey, I didn’t know if you guys wanted inside or out so I just chose out, is that okay?” Dan asked as Mia took her seat.

 

“That’s fine, it’s a nice day” Phil answered, grabbing the menu and letting the date flow. Phil had asked Dan about the college thing with Mia, but he didn’t have much to say. He’d done it another time so he didn’t have to awkwardly bring up on this lunch date, which saved him in the end, but thankfully there was no awkwardness during this, besides Dan looking hurt when Mia and Phil showed contact. 

 

The waiter came by and introduced themselves, and they all easily ordered some brunch type of food with water and watched him walk away, going back to what they were talking about once he left.

 

“So this protest, have you gotten it together?” Phil cut in, changing the topic which had previously been Mia explaining how she’d found this cafe to Dan. Dan smiled and nodded, finishing the sip of his drink before replying.

 

“Yeah, it’s coming together really nicely. We’re fixing it up this weekend, it’s gonna be really nice. We’re meeting in front of the dReam headquarters they have here and making a few speeches, I was hoping I could have you guys represent?” Dan asked, hesitating a bit. Phil hadn’t really expected him to say that, and he noticed Mia looking surprised he knew Mia and Phil weren’t soulmates.

 

After finding out Phil and Mia hadn’t exactly decided to tell the entire world, so he felt sort of bad if she wanted to keep it a secret, but felt relief seeing her stop caring about it as soon as she’d started. Still, there was a hesitation in answering this question, Phil knew he didn’t mind but he didn’t know how well Mia took the idea of not only telling people they weren’t soulmates but standing up and speaking out for all other couples out there who weren’t as well.

“That sounds great” Mia answered finally, both Dan and Phil smiling at that. Phil wanted to ask if she was sure, but he decided he’d bring that later if Mia changed her mind he could always tell Dan that happened.

 

“Thank you so much, you’ll be doing so many people a favor. I see so many couples every day who have fallen in love and feel awful about it just cause the way society sees it” Dan muttered, sounding quite jaded about it all, but honestly Phil couldn’t blame him. He looked over and caught the sympathetic look in Mia’s eyes and wondered if she was thinking about Jack, or maybe she just felt bad for Dan.

 

Mia and Dan were getting along better then he’d thought, but to be fair before he was unaware they already knew each other. To be fair he felt quite cheated in it all. It sounded stupid, but knowing Dan was kind of his own thing he had going on, now he knew Mia and him had met before and it just made him feel a bit weird, but he didn’t want to look too much into it.

It didn’t take long for the waiter to bring their food, they ate while Dan talked more about the protest, clearly excited about it. Phil loved watching him like this, he looked like an excited little puppy, but the longer the lunch date went on the fewer the glances he got from Dan. He hated it, it sounded stupid but it felt like he had something between Dan no one else was gonna be able to get, but it felt like this one lunch date was destroying that and now all Dan was becoming was some friend he and Mia had as a couple. He loved Mia, and he was committed to being loyal to her, but he didn’t want that to be all Dan was to him.

 

After a while of stuffing their faces, Phil couldn’t help but feel quite excluded, as they’d gotten into a conversation about college days to Phil’s surprise. He should’ve expected this honestly, but he didn’t. He smiled awkwardly then excused himself as they continued talking, thinking he maybe needed a minute to himself to get himself together, seeing as Phil hated being the odd one out, it really did a number on his social awkwardness.

 

He stood once he made it known he was leaving, then walked over and into the cafe to find the bathroom. He couldn’t find it at first but after asking a helpful waitress with a messy black haired bun, he found it and made his way in. To his luck no one was in, so he took a minute to splash some water on his face, looking into the mirror and sighing. 

 

So this wasn’t what he expected out of the whole situation, so what? Mia and Dan were friends, that’s all that mattered. Maybe this is what needed to happen, this way he wouldn’t feel like he was hiding anything from Mia, which had been lowkey destroying him. This was good, it was fixing things, and stopping him from making any mistakes. He took a deep breath then took this opportunity to go to the bathroom since he actually had to, then left with a bigger smile on his face than before. Sometimes all it took was a little time alone and Phil was back to his normal self, he was convinced this was a good thing for them.

 

Phil came back outside and looked at the two talking. Dan looked up, past Mia who was across from him and smiled, but it looked forced. He walked over and sat down and smiled.

 

“Everything okay?” Phil asked and Mia nodded, giving a smile.

 

“Oh yeah, no everything's fine,” Mia said, but Phil couldn’t help but notice the atmosphere had changed greatly. He kept looking at Dan, but couldn’t seem to get his attention which drove him sort of mad. He looked like he didn’t know what to say, or like he’d just seen a ghost, and Mia just smiled the fakest smile. He sighed, he was probably reading to much into it, for all he knew Dan could be tired.

 

“I hate to cut this short, I’ve been having such a great time but I’m pretty busy today,” Dan said, reassuring Phil that he had a good time. He’d probably end up going over to his house, later on, to only furthermore reassure everything was good between them. Mia looked disappointed but nodded.

 

“Oh alright, but we have to do this again. It’s good to see you again like this, everything back to normal like back then” Mia said, emphasizing the normal in it, but Phil just took that as normal between him and Mia cause for once it actually had been lately

 

_ Phil had never questioned anything he’d ever done in his life, so why now? _

 

If only Phil had questioned more, like why Dan said he was busy when he didn’t mind changing the time proving he had nothing going on only an hour previous to this.

 

But there was no more time left to question, he watched Dan leave after generously paying for them, and was left with the beautiful love of his life, who looked alone. They shared a smile, and Phil reassured her he’d always be there for her, but that seemed to only make her look sadder.

 

They got up and left, not many words being passed between them. He made a mental note to himself to text Dan the second he got home, but by the time he did arrive at his house and check his phone, he’d already gotten a text.

 

‘Remember, the protest is on the 24th at 3:00’ was all it read. Phil got the idea that's the only words that’d pass between them, so he didn’t bother replying.

 

Phil couldn’t help but worry how this was gonna play out.


	6. A Truly Broken Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil remembers the first time he saw a broken smile, seconds before he sees one in Dan himself.
> 
> Phil tells Dan the universe might get it right sometimes in hopes of spiking interest, but it's not guaranteed Dan will take it the way Phil wants him to.
> 
> So none of it is fair, and Phil paints Mia as a side character.
> 
> Phil sees something in everyone's eyes as they've seen the very thing he's looking for. Little did he know he has too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn it's been forever. I have another fanfic i totally haven't written lmao woops, i will get there promise!
> 
> anyways i got bored and sad ?? So here you go
> 
> also YO WARNING BEFORE YOU READ  
> there is some mentions of suicide it's not bad but the main character is in the midst of trying to understand how someone comes to committing suicide so if you don't want those bad vibes then don't dwell on the first paragraph or the last few
> 
> This is kinda wild ngl
> 
> Also i finally made a playlist its good promise (and not entirely done)  
> https://open.spotify.com/user/felicity187/playlist/7ANWJIlS7oFYwFZnp7ydIJ?si=GIRRL4kdQhWmiNlMng6KxQ
> 
> enjoy m8

**A Truly Broken Smile**   
  
Phil had never understood suicide before.   
  
Nor has he ever considered it. Not once. It wasn’t something that’d ever rung in his head, it was the silent broken bell deep within him he was sure nothing could ever fix to make ring. Never once did he have an urge or thing about it on a daily basis, which is why hearing about it made his mind spiral. He didn’t get it, he thought things like a broken heart or broken mind could be fixed with words, but when you lose something important to life, whether it be emotional or physical, there’s a real chance you may never get it back. Question is can your mind and heart learn to live without that very thing you long for so dearly?   
  
He was at a protest standing with Destiny, after having been invited weeks ago by Dan during their lunch with Mia. He still hadn’t been able to get it from his mind. Nothing had been the same since then, those warm mornings dedicated to feeling nothing but in love with Mia were replaced with waking up in an empty bed, Mia having gotten up hours ago. He couldn’t pinpoint exactly when things seemed to go wrong in that day, but there clearly must’ve been a moment.   
  
Speaking of Mia, he hadn’t seen her since they’d walked to this thing. He assumed she’d gone off to meet some people to talk to about the event, seeing as he and she were there as a couple to speak on behalf of non-soulmate couples, but it still seemed odd that he hadn’t seen her.    
  
His eyes drifted to Dan, they always seemed to lately. Something had been off with him too, he couldn’t even tell what it was. He planned on leaving him alone but his legs drifted toward him nevertheless.   
  
“You look amazing” Phil blurted before he could even decide talking was something he wanted to do. Dan’s eyes sparkled at the compliment, but something dark lingered in them. It bothered Phil to no end.   
  
“As do you. Are you enjoying yourself?” Dan asked like the gentleman he truly was. Phil smiled before responding.   
  
“Quite. Though the common subject of suicide is heartbreaking to hear. So many people taking their lives over being in love with someone they’ll never get to be with. I can’t imagine it” Phil said before remembering Dan’s own friend Jack had killed himself for the exact same reason. Being reminded of that made him feel sick to the stomach.   
  
“It is depressing but real. Society should know what they’re forcing people to feel, the level of pain they’re making their lives become” Dan spit out with a sigh, then suddenly seemed lost in thought. For a moment it was silent, then before he knew it Dan was looking at him once more with those sparkling eyes. He stared into his soul like his gaze was made just for him.    
  
Everything worried Phil suddenly. Dan was so sure of himself, so sure about all of this, but what if they were soulmates?   
  
This shouldn’t matter to Phil as he had Mia, but it did and he couldn’t stop himself from caring about it like it meant the world to him. He wanted to bring it up, he wanted to scream it and make everyone hear him, not just Dan, but before he could even think of a single sentence to say Dan sighed then stepped away.    
  
Phil was speechless and now alone.   
  
-   
  
“Tell me we’re okay,” Phil said. Mia turned to face Phil, and he almost hated how beautiful she looked right now at this very moment. Her expression showed confusion and soon so did her voice.   
  
“Phil, why would you assume we’re not?” She asked like she was deeply offended. Phil tried to reason with her words but his head just screamed out the fact that Mia had never answered his question. This was all his fault, it had to be right? It was a simple story in an unsimple world. Phil and Mia are high school sweethearts but along comes Dan who comes in between everything. Phil can’t for the life of him figure out why until it hits him, Dan and Phil are soulmates and are meant to be together. If that’s the story they’re living then they should just be getting to the part where Mia is fed up with being choice number 2 in all this.    
  
Phil can’t let that happen, cause what the story didn’t anticipate was Phil wanting to make things work, wanting to stick through it all and stay with Mia because 'soulmates be damned'. It’s why they were here right? But still, it kept him wondering.    
  
“Tell me,” Phil said, no, begged. He felt like he could cry but no tears came to his eyes. It just felt hard to breathe and the world seemed darker around him. Just say it.   
  
“I can’t” Mia spoke, and that was that.   
  
-   
  
“Excuse me could I have everyone's attention?” Dan said from on the stage, staring down at a crowd of people in colorful clothes protesting the thing they cared about a great deal.    
  
“I’ve bored you enough while my own talking for the night, so I’ll surrender the rest of my speeches, but I’d like to introduce to you some friends of mine. Met only at age 14 and still together to this day, Phil and Mia, two people wonderfully in love and not giving a damn if they’re soulmates or not.” Dan introduced before stepping to the side and letting Phil and Mia take the stage.   
  
Dan’s eyes seemed to hurt, Mia’s seemed to cry, and Phil’s seemed lifeless despite being very much alive.   
  
They’d had a speech prepared, but for some reason, Phil couldn’t even imagine sticking to the speech after all the stories he’d heard today. It was his turn to tell one.   
  
“I could sit here and tell you why this matters, why you should support this and why fighting matters more than everything, but you already know this. No one’s going to hear anger and decide to join in. Negativity in different shades doesn’t change the fact that it’s still negativity.” Phil said, Mia, seeming surprised but just deciding to watch as if she was in the crowd of supporting people as well.   
  
“I’m not going to do that, cause that’s a waste of everybody’s time. Instead, I’m going to tell you about a more important story.”   
  
Phil took a deep breath.   
  
“I’ve told the story of the first time I told Mia here I loved her countless times. It was a sweet romantic moment in which I brought her some flowers on a snowy January day and we’d blurted out confessions in the middle of romantic banter. What I like about that story more than anything is the moment before that.”   
  
“I was walking around the town trying to find a shop that sold flowers. The regular market I usually go to was closed for the day due to the snow so I was dead set on walking about and finding some flower shop, but I didn’t know what to expect I mean it was literally pouring snow at one point.” Phil continued, a few people laughing in the crowd.   
  
“I guess my stupidity paid off as it usually does, cause there tucked between a dentist and this pizza parlor was a tiny flower shop, somehow still open.” Phil thinks he imagined the gasp he hears from the right of him where Mia stood.   
  
“I walked in because obviously, I would, and there was only one person working there. This guy with short black hair, a little shaggy looking. I was cold as balls so naturally, I’d never been happier to see someone in my life. I told him to show me his favorite flowers, and no matter what they were I’d buy them, cause only the best of the best for Mia. I assumed his favorite would be the stores most expensive, but little did I know his favorites were actually flowers of mourning. Lilies and chrysanthemums. So I bought them unaware of their depressing meaning and rang them up with the black haired guy. Kid, probably just short of my own age.” Phil continued, and if he’d been a little more observing he would’ve noticed Dan was crying from where he watched Phil speak.    
  
“I got a little quiet while I checked out, then asked him a question. It makes sense it’d be in my head, seeing as Mia and I wasn’t sure where we stood with each other soulmate wise, so I just straight up looked at him and asked him a question about soulmates and this poor guy who I’m just unloading all my shit to gives me a broken smile-” Phil says, almost recreating it as he remembers the look on his face. “-and answers like it was the easiest thing he’s ever done. For the first time, I felt so much better about everything I’d ever felt in life. I didn’t care at that moment if Mia and I were soulmates, i knew we were meant to be together.” Phil said confidently.   
  
“After that I bolted to her place and gave her the flowers, only to be called a goof by this beautiful woman here because of my poor choice in flowers. We told each other right then and there that we loved each other” Phil finished and the crowd applauded for him lovingly.    
  
“I think about that guy often, if the little shop he worked at hadn’t been open then I never might’ve told her I loved her. I wonder sometimes about his favorite flowers as well” Phil joked then ended his speech finally.   
  
“I wish I’d gotten his name to thank him. I only glanced at it once... If I think hard enough I might remember. It was I think... Oh right, Jack” Phil said. Then he got it.    
  
_ oh. _   
  
And for the first time during his speech he met eyes with Dan who was teary-eyed from the crowd. He must’ve known, of course, he had. He looked at him from afar and all he wanted to do was hug him and tell him he cared about him more than anything, and that even knowing Jack for two seconds he’d made a huge impact on his life.    
  
All it took was two seconds.   
  
Mia said words, and for that split second he realized she’d gasped, only confirming they’d all known each other. She talked to the crowd but he didn’t seem to hear a thing she said, only staring into Dan’s eyes across from the crowd. Life was really unfair right now.   
  
-   
  
Time had gone by, and things were daring to come to an end. Dan was very popular in this group, always having someone to talk to, but it made sense since he was the owner of Destiny. Phil finally got a chance to really talk to Dan, but all those things he was going to say about Jack and him just died in his throat.   
  
Instead, he just smiled weakly, Dan giving him the same back. Dan seemed like he was so ready to risk it all, and after that, Phil didn’t know where he stood. He’d just recounted a beautiful story of how he truly fell in love, and yet all he could think about was Dan and if Dan was okay.   
  
“Join” was all Dan said. Phil gave a confused look and Dan handed him a few papers.   
  
“That was beautiful. You are... Beautiful. I want you to join us... Me. Work for Destiny” Dan explained as Phil’s eyes scanned the papers he was given. He couldn’t stop the soft redness from staining his otherwise snow white cheeks at how Dan was speaking to him. Maybe everything really was going to be okay, and at that idea how could Phil possibly say no.   
  
“Absolutely. I’d love to work for you... With you” Phil said with certainty. He scanned the papers again then fell short a little.    
  
“I don’t know how helpful I’d be” Phil admitted and Dan’s eyes lit up again. Phil swears he could watch them sparkle for years. They were so comforting to look into like they knew the secrets of life. No, it was more than that. It was like his eyes had seen beauty, true pure beauty in its purest form possible. And they had.   
  
“You’d be perfect. You will be. Phil that speech wasn’t just breathtaking for me, you had everybody in this crowd on the edge of their seat.” Dan said like an excited child.   
  
“No one was even sitting!” Phil exclaimed in protest despite being happy.   
  
“Exactly! Phil, you have a way with words and I really think you could change people's minds. I think together we could change the world” Dan said, looking sure of himself. Almost sure.   
  
Phil hesitated, it made sense why he would, he needed a real second to think about this one. Working for them would change everything. It was good work, and it’d really feel like he was changing the world. Then again how could he support such a thing when it was so obvious Dan was his soulmate.   
  
Phil felt warm all over. Did he truly believe that?   
  
“I’ll do it,” Phil said before he could honestly make sense of anything he’d just thought over. The light in Dan’s eyes had never seemed brighter in his life then they did at this one moment, but sadly it didn’t last.   
  
He felt a warm touch on his shoulder and after spinning around was face to face with Mia. As beautiful as ever. There was something about her that felt like she was home. Her eyes didn’t sparkle like Dan’s, they sang. They called him and drew him in like they’d laughed with joy itself and wanted to show them what it meant to feel happy.   
  
“I’m gonna go get in the car. Join me when your ready to leave” It was a decent way of her saying she was more than ready to leave. Phil sighed and nodded softly, leaving it with just Dan and him. When he looked back Dan seemed to have lost his sparkle and Phil couldn’t place why.   
  
“I suppose you should go,” Dan said but didn’t seem happy about it. Phil nodded in agreement then thought of one more thing to say.   
  
“Do you really think two people who aren’t soulmates could still be meant for each other?” Phil asks, and Dan replies. “I don’t know, I guess as humans we just have to trust when it feels right,” he says but looks uncertain. The sparkle's gone, and it looks as if it’d never been there. For a moment Phil almost doesn’t realize the familiarity of the question and answer. Then Phil said something he’d soon wish he’d never had said, having only Dan in mind when saying so.   
  
“Well, what if the universe was right sometimes?”   
  
Phil never meant for things to get so messy, but now he's faced with a choice. What he doesn't know is the choice isn't his to make, not in the slightest.   
  
The conversation seemed to end there, and Phil realized all there was to do now was return to Mia who was now waiting in the car for him. He wanted things to change, but at the same time, he wanted nothing to change. Phil had never thought he’d be caught in a situation like this, and yet here he was. Living more in real life, but in a weird way also now living in his head. A part of him now stained with this feeling that everything he wanted in life was no longer available and hadn’t been for some time, but for some reason, he doubted that feeling since all he wanted at the crazy mixed up moment was Dan.   
  
Phil stepped away then got into the warm car, Mia next to his side.   
  
_ “So who are these flowers for?” The guy behind the counter said. Phil was supposed to be in a rush, it was getting late and if it got too late he knew we weren’t gonna be able to ring the door of Mia’s in fear of waking up her folks, and making this complicated wasn’t his plan, but he had now decided to take his time. _ __  
__  
_ “My soulmate,” Phil said confidently, despite the sudden turn in his stomach. There was a lot of pressure on those words, sure, but Phil was sure that he and Mia were meant to be, no doubt about it. She was beautiful and understood him in every single way. _ __  
__  
_ “Woah really? Aren’t we a little young to know our soulmates?” The guy asked, assuming they were around the same age which made sense since it was pretty obvious with one glance. Phil hesitated a that a little then sighed. _ __  
__  
_ “Alright I don’t know if she’s my soulmate technically, but I’m sure of it,” Phil said, wondering why the guy speaking to him gave him the vibe like he could tell him practically anything. Phil went with it, not enjoying questioning too much about life.  _ __  
__  
_ “Well then if your that confident, continue calling her your soulmate. Don’t let me stop you, you guys are probably meant to be.” He said with nothing but positivity, stepping from behind the desk to around the shop where a very happy Phil stood now. _ __  
__  
_ “So my favorite flowers you say..” He trailed off, stepping past Phil. “I’ve always had a weird attraction to these,” He said, walking towards a bouquet of what revealed to be an array of white and yellow lilies and chrysanthemums. Phil looked and hummed in appreciation toward them. _ __  
__  
_ “Something about them I guess,” He said with a shrug and Phil smiled.  _ __  
__  
_ “They’re really nice. No.. they’re perfect. Do they have any specific meaning?” Phil asked curiously. _ __  
__  
_ Flower shop guy seemed to think over the question for a moment before answering. _ __  
__  
_ “Not sure. I’ve never made an effort to discover what my favorite flowers mean, It’d probably symbolize something hidden about my personality and why would I want that.” He joked then took the beautiful bouquet and brought them to the front for Phil to check out. _ __  
__  
_ While he was being rung up Phil couldn’t help but hesitate for a moment on everything. He asked him a question, he wasn’t sure where it came from. _ __  
__  
_ “Hey, do you think two people, like me and my girlfriend for example, who aren’t soulmates- could still be meant for each other?” Phil asks then realizes he just blurted that out to someone he barely knew. Phil waited for a long time almost getting the vibe that he’d scared the guy into not really wanting to talk to him. _ __  
__  
_ “I don’t know, I guess as humans we just have to trust when it feels right,” he says but looks uncertain. Phil smiles at him, thankful for his honesty. _ __  
__  
_ “Well, thanks. That actually made me feel better… Jack” Phil said reading the nametag on Jack’s shirt. Jack smiled back then waved him off. _ __  
__  
_ “Alright now go get her” _ __  
  
Phil started up the car and drove home, the silence in the car no longer comfortable.   
  
On the way home Phil couldn’t think of Mia nor could he think of Dan. All he thought of was the black messy haired kid he knew with the name Jack. He pictured Jack falling deeply in love with Dan and obsessing over every perfection Dan has to offer. He imagines Jack loving those eyes like he does, loving how they show signs of seeing pure beauty.    
  
He tries to picture how Jack must’ve felt knowing he could never be with Dan, and for once in his life Phil actually understood suicide.


End file.
